Intuition

8 11 2008

“Then the LORD God said, “Behold, the man has become like one of Us, to know good and evil. And now, lest he put out his hand and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live forever” (Genesis 3:22)

Since I was a young child, and even now, the first impression that I got from this verse, is that by eating from the tree, man had acquired all knowledge- effectively becoming omniscient. But this does not appear to be the case, as we do not know everything, and if we did, life would seem rather pointless.

But what if we did know everything, but were only not aware of that knowledge? It is my belief (and this is one that the Bible appears to support, and several times throughout it) that God hides knowledge from himself, so that he may first be able to appreciate himself (which from my understanding of things would otherwise not be possible), and second so that he might develop his relationship with us naturally (which otherwise would not be possible because God would already know our destination before we are born, as well as everything else about us- such a relationship would have no merit to it)

If we are made in God’s image, and we have knowledge of all things, then we would likely hide that knowledge from ourselves for the same reasons. Not only that, but our physical, imperfect, and mortal selves would not able to hold all of the knowledge in the universe- at least not uncompressed.

That’s right, uncompressed. There is no known limit to how much it’s possible to compress information, and I think that there isn’t one. From my experience with archivers, however, the extent to which we can compress data is limited by the system resources, in particular those of the memory (RAM) and the processor (CPU). We already know that some of our memories are easier to retrieve than others for this very reason- it takes more brainpower to extract memories that were made years ago, and ones of things that are less important to us. Everyone can relate to the experience of suddenly remembering things that happened a long time ago, and sometimes for no immediately apparent reason.

But what I noticed in particular about the nature of memory extraction, is that there almost always is a good reason for why we remember anything. Education is in fact build around this framework- it’s always easier to recall memories if there is some object or concept in the present (right now) to serve as a catalyst to recall these memories. That’s also a proven means of amnesia recovery.

I believe that we are effectively omniscient, but the unfathomably vast majority of knowledge is locked away in our brain. To unlock all of the knowledge of the universe, supposing that is the case, would be impossible because anyone would die long before we even scratched the surface, even if we were to develop a means of extraction in the first place.

That is where Intuition comes in. Be it physical knowledge (instinct, etc.), emotional knowledge, spiritual knowledge (i.e. psychics) logical knowledge– intuition is how we access those infinite depths of knowledge, without “knowing” it. I like to think of it is the human version of Direct Memory Access (DMA). Well then again, comparing intuition to DMA would do it an injustice- it’s completely out of its league.

That is, we “intuitively” access whatever knowledge we want, on an as needed basis. But using intuition requires a catalyst- that is, there has to be a direct reason to access that knowledge- I think that we have a natural safeguard in place, to prevent “biting off more than we can chew”. This is a milestone post, as I’ve been thinking about this for a while. One of the first posts that I wrote about this is here, and these thoughts were also reflected in the first chapter of Essence of The Soul.

It’s very interesting thinking of it like this– I keep getting visuals of the replicators feeding on Daniel’s knowledge of the Ancients and Stargate SG-1. Pretty much, we are (objectively) one Soul, but are subjectively separate individuals. As the Soul attains more knowledge, we evolve and reproduce to better accomodate that knowledge. Just as replicators might access their knowledge through a link, we subconsciously access what knowledge that we [truly] need, using intuition.





True Independence

8 11 2008

I have a theory, which began developing in this post, that humans and souls have a symbiotic relationship, and that evolution is the manifestation of spiritual progress, although since I wrote that post my thought has “evolved” significantly, to the point that such a theory is almost obsolete. But it still is important, in that is represented the beginning of a fruitful pursuit of spiritual, rational, and intuitive knowledge, as well a greater focus on what has since become the topic I am most obsessed with- motivation.

After watching NGE (for the second time), I began developing another theory regarding the soul: The soul is both one and infinite; thus the objective and subjective perspectives are equally true. Who I am is not limited to myself, but to everything else in existence, and vice versa. Thus, we are all both perfect and imperfect, strong and weak, dependent and independent. This being the case, can “true independence” exist, given these assumptions?

Ironically, the answer is both “yes” and “no”. From a subjective perspective, independence is inherently impossible, and dependence is a necessity. From and objective perspective, it’s the opposite- because objectivity requires independence, it cannot be dependent.

This view does certainly imply that objectively, we are God; so, as to not blaspheme the most high, I must note that “true independence” is achieved not through action, but through thought.

One universally accepted Christian belief: Christians are not bound by the law, and so do not follow it out of obligation or fear. Rather, having the desire to serve the Lord, which comes from the Holy Spirit which is in us, we do what is right naturally- thus, it’s not that the law was wrong, it’s that it’s no longer necessary. (The law exists not for those who follow it, but those who would break it).

In the same way, by having a perspective of true independence, and passion to match it, our actions will naturally be truly independence, because our actions are the product of our beliefs and passions thereof.

So what then is this perspective? I’m new to this, so take what I’m about to say “with a grain of salt”, although, for now, I hold the following to be true: How we view others, and how others view us- these perspectives are not others’, but our own. When we think we know certain things about others, that is not their knowledge, but our own. Everyone views the same people differently– so does that mean that there are many different people in one? Perhaps, but- that being too complicated of a theory, I’d rather like to think that the person is the same, and they are viewed differently because that knowledge is only true to those that perceive, and not of the ‘object’ of perception.

In other words, we only know each other subjectively, and such knowledge is objectively false or incomplete. We may not even know ourselves objectively.

Although this question is irrelevant to this post, I want to put it out there, should anyone wish to answer, along with telling how they reached their conclusion: Is objective knowledge impossible?

In either case, following the above assumptions: Even if there are separate individuals from myself, and they communicate their own thoughts to me, by understanding, receiving, and applying their thoughts, they become my own, because, though they might know what they wanted to convey, I only know what I understood. In other words, knowledge is objective, but understanding is subjective. I’ll explain the implications (and importance) of this in later posts.

But from such a perspective, I have realized one new thing: if the relationship between knowledge and understanding is trivial semantics, then knowledge and understanding are one and the same: knowledge is “objective truth” (that which is perceived) whereas understanding is “subjective truth” (perception itself)

One of the ideals of Buddhism is the importance of “casting away all worldly desires” as these cause suffering. For the most part I agree with such a philosophy, but now I can reap from this another insight: “casting away all worldly desires” might be another way of saying “discard all subjective thought”. Assuming that such a thing is possible, doing so would inevitably result in attaining objective truth– the equivalent of being enlightened. Interesting!





Experiencing God

24 10 2008

In the last post of my blog emotional moksha (”Emptiness”), I acknowledged how lacking I felt about myself, and by releasing that burden to God, I was able to hear God’s voice for the first time. Well more accurately, I was able to recognize it. At the moment I realized these things, I remembered several times in the past that I had heard God’s voice, “the still small voice”, but I could not recognize him. I have been fervently pursuing God the last couple years, and a few months ago, in my desperation, called out to him, to help me find the way, to know what to do. About a month ago I started emotional moksha, but when I started it I did not realize that it would play a role in helping me experience God. I realize now that I could not hear God’s voice, despite my desire to, because I was so overwhelmed by the fear, doubt, and chaos shrouding my heart.

With all that has happened to me in the past, I’ve built up walls around my mind, within my psyche, to protect myself from the trauma I went through all those years. Those walls did save me in the long run, but I did not become aware of them until a few months ago. Because of those walls, I could not remember the emotions of the past, and could not recognize the emotions of the future. I felt neither fear nor passion, doubt nor affirmation, chaos nor peace. Or more accurately, I could not fully comprehend these feelings, though I felt them.

In doing so I had shielded myself not only of my feelings, but also of any influence. I did not change, and time went on without me. The armor of my heart protected me, but at the natural price of lacking the resolve to move forward, to improve upon myself. This armor of mine prevented me from hearing the voice of Satan, but I couldn’t hear the voice of God either (by hear I mean “recognize”). Furthermore, I could not truly understand others around me, because- just I could not feel my own warmth, I could not feel the warmth of others. I could not be hurt, but for the same reason I could not be comforted.

Even though I did not realize it, being numbed by the armor around my heart, I still had emotions- a great deal of them, and of every kind. Even though I was not aware of them, they were there, waiting to be released. After I asked for God to show me the way- no, even before that he had prepared the way. Thinking about it now, there are thoughts I had and people I encountered which, although it seemed at the time to be another step in my own thought process, or another inspiration in writing a book- sure I knew these things were significant, but I did not know that God was using these things to prepare the way for me, as I realize now. Since I heard God’s voice, I began to better understand his purposes- got to know him a little bit better.

One thing that I think is not emphasized enough, it what it truly means to be in a relationship with God. For example, “Why does God need us to pray to him, if he already knows what’s going to happen, even before we are born?” This is where my own thoughts about motivation come in. God created us for a reason- that is, we have a purpose. From what I’ve seen, the meaning of being part of God’s purpose is often ignored, when it shouldn’t be.

If God has a purpose for us, it means that- for whatever reason, he needs us. If God wants a relationship with us, it’s because he desires such a relationship, which means that such a relationship is of benefit to him, because it somehow assists with fulfilling that which he needs. One can also not love unless it fulfills a need- from which we might draw the conclusion that either “God can love and is imperfect”, or “God is perfect and cannot love”.

But that fails to take into account that God is the creator of all that is– which means that God alone decides what perfection is. God can be perfect and still need us, because he is God- that reason alone is enough. If anything, we perceive weakness and need as imperfect, simply because we are imperfect and our view of things are distorted. I believe that God intentionally created imperfect beings despite being perfect, so that he could appreciate his own perfection, through his relationship with us.

Once God had prepared the way for me, and I had realized in full the existence of the armor covering my heart, for the first time I faced myself, honestly and earnestly stood beside my own reflection. It was painful, troubling, terrible. Over 10 years worth of emotions, including a great deal of emotional trauma- began to implode from within, and I was overwhelmed. All of the feelings that I convinced myself to be lacking, including those of hatred, bitterness, anger, melancholy, loneliness- mostly negative feelings, after being pent up all those years, overwhelmed me.

But even before this, I had considered starting a blog about my emotional self, that I might better understand that part of me which at the time was still a mystery. I remembered the verse

Psalm 55:22 “Cast your burden on the LORD,
And He shall sustain you;
He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.”

And started up emotional moksha, and each time I acknowledge the emotions overwhelming me, I literally feel like a tremendous burden has been lifted from me- it really is an amazing feeling- each time like a miniature-miracle. And in the last post (the 3rd one total), as I wrote it, I experienced God for the first time.

It was then that I realized that the armor around my heart had prevented me from seeing my emotions, and that by acknowledging my emotions, and giving them to the Lord, I had been freed from what had prevented me from having a true relationship with God- what had prevented me from recognizing his voice. By giving up my fears, doubt, and chaos to God, for the first time since I was a child, I could appreciate the passion, intimacy, and commitment that can come from knowing God. But unlike as a child, I can now appreciate the beauty of it, and no longer take it for granted.





Hot Air

20 10 2008

Considering that the primary focus of this blog is motivation, this will probably be the biggest breakthrough that I’ve written in a while, and will be for a while:

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the source of good and evil, and found a far greater clarity when studying it under the assumption that good and evil are not decisions chosen independently by sentient beings of their own accord, but are spiritual forces that greatly influence our actions. But of course, I don’t consider “spiritual forces” a religious concept- umbrella terminology might be a better way of putting it. So, to put it more “broadly”, good and evil are everywhere, like the air we breathe.

But I think of it like this: There are certain forces in the world- we do not cause any of them, and perhaps they were always there- in essence immortal, and without a doubt omnipresent. These forces that I am referring to are very similar to Plato’s Forms- in fact he was a great inspiration in this theory. That is, good and evil, sadness and happiness, beauty and ugliness- all of these various things were not created by us, but rather we are, to some extent, created by them.

One might assert that, in the case of (for example) ugliness, that we create the standards for ugliness, and thus without our standards ugliness would not exist. But this fails to address the fact that we would not create the standards unless there was a need- which means that this knowledge, despite having no valid emotional or logical benefit for it, knowledge of it exists. So in my own theory of forms, anything that such an assessment applies to is what I consider a “Form”.

So if our motivations are reliant upon these Forms, then what determines which forms- in this case “good” or “evil”, are we most heavily influenced by? But first, it’s important to determine what “good” and “evil” are: While good and evil are considered different in different cultures, nations, and even individuals- one thing is certain: The reason why a person considers something evil is because they (as a person, or in agreement with a group) perceive that thing, behavior, thought, or influence to be inherently destructive- that is, it in nature destroys certain thing(s) perceived as good. On the other hand, what is perceived as “good” is so because it is inherently creative- that is, it creates things that do not destroy, and/or creates things that destroy evil. Notice the irony- it’s actually important.

Regardless of whether this is actually the case, thinking of good and evil as omnipresent forces instead of antithetical but independent choices based in freewill- this new perspective brought to light a new and very enlightening understanding, regarding precisely why some become good and others evil:

A more recent determination was that the id, ego, and superego determine the means, and good and evil are not Forms, but rather measurements of the ends. But such an assessment is fundamentally flawed in that it fails to take into account the fact that some have good intentions, but destruction results- and that some have evil intentions, but they inadvertently contribute to benefiting humanity on some level.

I realized that a better way of looking at it was “balance” versus imbalance:

Thus, if we are to take into account the means, ends, and what’s in-between, it would be more accurate to think of it as “Negative” and “Positive”

Although I’ve drawn a chart that explains this much more thoroughly (and in time will become even more complete) Here are the primary motivating factors of both good (positive) and evil (negative):

Good: Passion, Control, and Expectations.

Evil: Fear, Chaos, and Doubt.

If you noticed that in the current order, they appear to be opposites, you are correct in that assumption. If you noticed that these correspond to the Id, Ego, and SuperEgo, we are definitely on the same page.

But, although Fear, Chaos, and Doubt are the primary motivators or destructive behavior, due to their nature they usually cannot manifest themselves in-and-of-themselves.

To put things into context. note that- from an evolutionary standpoint, motivators of “good” are close to the “Fight” response, while those of “evil” associate with “flight”- that is, good and evil, at least as influences, can be attributed to the “Fight or Flight Response“, although of course I’m also using that as an umbrella term, so don’t take it literally :P

What I like about this theory is that, even though it’s logical, the inevitable logical conclusion is that good will triumph in the end- that is, such an assertion is in fact logically inevitable if these assumptions are correct (and these assumptions are unbiased).

Why is such a conclusion logically inevitable? You’ll see…But first, an analogy:

The basics of firefighting (and I actually referenced a volunteer firefighter on this) cover, among other things, the three primary needs of any fire: ignition, oxygen, and fuel.

Personally, I don’t think there’s any better example for this post than that- because, as you might notice, it’s not too hard to compare them to the Id, Ego, and SuperEgo- which conveniently would fulfill similar roles. That is, the Id (Passion) gives us the initiative to act (ignition), the SuperEgo gives us dreams and expectations by which to live out our passions (oxygen), and the Ego gives us the foundation, security, and thus control upon which to build our dreams and passions (Fuel).

So, having absorbed that information, consider the following:

Oxygen is normally considered a good thing (a necessity of all sufficiently complex living creations)– But suppose that, in an extremely high concentration of a good thing- what would happen? a huge explosion, and likely a fire- which lacking the control of a designated fuel source, is a bad thing.

It is ironic that, although good will prevail, that good is the very thing prevalent manifestation of evil possible. But I believe that this is a necessity.

But one thing appears certain- pure Control, which is based in an emphasis on acquiring knowledge indiscriminately, cannot be good or evil in-and-of-itself. But pure control, although it is something that I have reached to some degree, is impossible to attain in full, because humans are not perfect– not to say that such an attainment would amount to perfection- but that an imperfect being is inherently incapable of maintaining one sole emphasis in their motivation- especially considering the great number of ulterior motives present in humans, and likely all sentient beings.

But From what I can tell, the reason why a person might commit good or evil- these are dependent upon the catalyst (ignition), control (level of vulnerability) and dreams (expectations, conscience)

as far as whether or not someone is good or evil by nature, this new way of thinking makes it clear that, ultimately, this is determined by expectations. But this does not cure the problem- rather it has the same effect as medication has on mental illness- it only minimizes the symptoms- the problem still exists.

If dreams were reality, what determines the impact? When I created my own definition for “dream”, I was thinking something similar to this question. If we do not have control of our dream, that automatically means our dream is chaotic. If it is not a good dream, it is a bad (evil) dream. If dreams were reality, they would determine the direction of life-as-we-know-it; but the magnitude and impact of the dream depends on the strength of our desire, or conversely our fear. This is what I believe Revelation 3:16 “So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth.” was referring to.

Thinking about it like this makes sense of many things– for example, why it is that anti-racists actually antagonize things rather than reconcile them. It’s common knowledge that throwing water on an oil-based fire will only spread it. It might appear to put it out, but appearances are deceiving.

Consider Hitler, who killed and/or caused the killing and torture of thousands of Jews. Do you think that Hitler really hated Jews that much? Well he might have, but I don’t think that was his motivation. Hitler saw an impoverished country, an already-existing hate for Jews, and an evident desperation. Hitler wanted power so bad that he would do anything to get it. When such a strong passion exists, it outweighs any conscience, expectations, or self-control that might disagree with it. Although this is just my theory, Hitler wanted power so badly that he was consumed by it, to the point nothing mattered.

It’s not as if we cannot relate to such circumstances- we can definitely empathize on a small-scale. Anyone who has killed “enemies” in war should at least be able to understand Hitler’s feelings. In such circumstances, it’s “kill or be killed”, and survival takes first priority. As much as we might cherish the value of human life, human rights, personal morality, ethics, and so-called humanity; all of these are good as nothing- utterly irrelevant in the face of survival. Perhaps this is to be expected, but consider this: If we will do anything in war to protect our own lives, so much more anyone might do for something they value above their life. It could be said that Hitler wasn’t evil, he just had his priorities mixed up.

But what we consider good or evil is not because people actually are good and evil- such thinking is merely justification for pre-existing standards. When it comes down to it, what is considered good or evil is considered thus because, at least to those observing these standards, such definitions are for the best in terms of benefiting humanity. For example, there are many traffic laws that, for a skilled driver are not necessary. Why then is it evil to break the law? That is because the purpose of the law is not the following of it itself, But the impact it will have on everyone’s conscience, regardless of whether they break it or not. Laws all exist for one purpose: control.

Even though Passion is a good thing, it made Hitler evil. Why? Because too much of a good thing can be, and will inevitably be bad:

Too much passion results in corruption, too much control results in neglect, and too much commitment and expectations results in suffering- and in Japan’s case, suicide. Although I passionately love Japan, it seems clear that, overall, the U.S. has one of the best balances, and so might be considered “better” from an idealist perspective.

So it seems that an accurate view of good and evil would be difficult to isolate, as there are many unreconciled inconsistencies to be understood and properly interpreted. But in either case, it’s clear to me that it’s better to do something wrong then do nothing at all- It would be a waste to miss so many opportunities because we pondered whether or not they were the right ones.





God is your friend

17 10 2008

After not going to church for a while and on top of that renouncing Christianity, a couple months ago I finally started going back to church, and was surprised at how easy it was to. I had decided that I would start going back to church once I had gotten to know myself well enough to offset any discomfort (even when I was still a Christian, the reason I stopped going in the first place was discomfort- which was itself caused by some things that had happened in the past). But I didn’t think that my efforts paid off this much.

Once I started going though, I once again became aware of the single-minded thinking of much of the Christian community (though the college group is much more open-minded)– to me, this is ironic considering the emphasis on the “It’s not a religion, it’s a relationship” approach. It seems to me that many Christians do not take into account what it means to have a relationship with God- or rather, why bother calling it a “relationship” if the meaning of a relationship with God cannot be related to friendships with mere mortals. Although my relationship hasn’t been too good lately (Fear is keeping me from “experiencing God”), I do know what a relationship is.

Using myself as an example- there are many people that know me, but- for whatever reasons, they all know me a bit differently, and some a lot differently. In relationships of all kinds, and especially in friendships, this is natural. Part of the reason why is because different people (or want) friendship with the same person for different reasons- we all have different needs.

That is, who we are is not limited to how we perceive itself (although that might logically seem most accurate), who we are is that and also how others perceive us. This is explained quite thoroughly in the last couple episodes of Neon Genesis Evangelion. So if we have a relationship with God, that would of course mean that God is different, and in many cases much different in the eyes of different people. Although there is a true God, and that God knows everything about himself, if he is our friend then we do not know how God perceives himself, but only how we perceive God.

The interesting thing about this- is that to contend that any single person’s understanding of God is wrong, is the same as saying that how someone knows me is wrong. If God’s understanding of himself is most accurate, then my understanding of myself is most accurate, but what good is that to other people. If we are in a relationship with God, then “God” is who we perceive him to be, not how we actually is. Since God’s will is always done, how we perceive him is how, for one reason or another, how he wants to perceived- just as we might act differently (subconsciously in some cases) around different people to appeal to different needs, and thus achieve the desired feedback. Or conversely, we act as we are expected to by others to give us an identity (which normally I do not do)

Although it might be considered blasphemous to think it, there is the possibility (and one I tend to favor) that God created us with freewill to give himself an identity. If we truly have friendship with God, that entails interdependence- which means that not only do we need God, but God needs us. It’s quite ironic that Christians would validate my own (otherwise controversial) theories about God, without even knowing what their words mean. Perhaps “friendship” has a different meaning when it concerns God, but if so, why use it.

One of the aspects of my theory is taking into consideration the fact that God is infinite, and something that is truly infinite cannot be distinguished from itself. That is, if God is infinite, he would not be able to recognize himself, since there would be no end by which to appreciate- a big blob. To recognize himself, God must to some degree limit himself, and thus become finite. I would go deeper into the aspects of infinity that support these assertions, but I have to some extent already in previous posts, and I’m starting to get a headache as things become “infinitely” complex. Who we know as God is not God- for if it was then he would not be God, because God is infinite and thus cannot be known. God as we know him is a paradox, and so it would appear he cannot be known.

But when we refer to “knowing God”, we are not talking about having knowledge of God ourselves, for if we did we would be God. Then again, confusing as it already is at this point, God (IMO) does not know himself, being infinite. Perhaps God both knows himself and does not. In my more controversial theories, God “as we know him” is both Satan and God, and through the interactions of these two infinitely opposite forces, God achieves appreciation of himself, and we of him. That would of course require redefining Satan, but from my current thought (which I’ll detail in future posts) God has a natural advantage to Satan, because God’s essence is Positive (Creative) whereas Satan’s is Negative (Destructive). While destruction has no intelligence, creation does- that is God’s advantage. I’ll also detail my reasoning of this later on.

But in either case, it’s important to keep in mind that if we are to truly have a relationship with God, we should accept the fact that in such a relationship, everyone will know God differently.





Misfit

29 09 2008

I haven’t written for a while (again), partially due to personal issues, and also because I’ve been thinking about enough different things that by the times I’m satisfied enough to write it all down- it will take the form of several milestone-class posts. In fact, only a small portion of this post is based on these thoughts- the majority was thought up within the last couple days, or sitting dormant for several years. *you’ll see what I mean by “dormant”*

A wise man once told me, “about 80% of all communication is body-language.” My immediate thoughts on this (which I vocalized) were “If that really is the case, then I’m missing out big-time!” To be honest, when he first said it, I thought it was a hyperbole– it was a bit disconcerting to realize that that might really be the case- after all, I am incapable of reading most body-language.

But thinking about it now, it makes sense. Most of communication between individuals is by means of culture. As I’ve  briefly gone over in the past, Culture is basically made up of two things: expectations, and those who live according to them. The group of people can be any size, depending on the common interests of the culture– from global culture (the largest unit), to a clique (the smallest unit).

In any culture, expectations are an inevitable and crucial prerequisites to identifying with one- that is because expectations are the foundation of any culture, of a necessity of any civilization. One such expectation that is believe to be what enabled civilization to exist- is farming. At some point nomads settled down and took the risk of starvation, trusting in the expectation that the crop will grow. Although nomadic culture existed prior to that, and still exists (i.e. homeless people), civilization requires culture, and by extension expectations. For a person to be identified with a particular culture, they must meet those expectations- which are more specific in cliques, and more loosely-defined in a broader range of people.

Of the expectations of culture, most are not said directly, but instead communicated through body-language. This is because, among other reasons, those of a particular culture group are expected to already know– Those who don’t know already don’t need to know, since they are not part of that culture (not meeting the expectations). If we are not part of a culture and want to be, we must either figure it out on our own, or directly request info on that culture from someone who is part of it. Although this does make communication more efficient, I think that the primary reason things work this way, is also unsaid- that is, because it’s unnatural and overcomplicated to interpret everything to be understood universally.

This is where, for me, the problem lies: Although smaller cultures are optional and and specific, global culture is universally mandatory for anyone who identifies as human, and is collectively known as “common knowledge“. I cannot read most body language, and so my common knowledge is limited to what I have taken the initiative to learn– which in turn means that if I do not even know about the existence of something, I am not even capable of learning it unless someone tells me, or I find out about it by chance.

People that have similar problems are those with Asperger’s Syndrome, which in turn is sometimes synonymous with the stereotypical geek. Although I do not know if my own issues fit well even in Aspie culture, the lack of ability to read body language has adversely affected me, in that because most expectations are communicated through body language, and other culture-specific methods, I am unable to appreciate, or even be aware of the vast majority of expectations that other people have of me.

In my previous thoughts concerning what other expected, and expect of me, and how that impacted my own expectations (our own expectations are the cumulation of others- we do not (usually) gain more complete independent expectations until adolescence), I decided that it was because my family had very little demonstrated expectations of me. This perception was also based on the fact that my dad avoids confrontation of any kind, and tends to communicate passively- that is he rarely spells out anything directly, implying his preference instead of asserting his will. Aside from the fact that I spent most of my adolescence (the most crucial period for developing expectations) with people that (from my perspective) had more demonstrated expectations of me, I’ve realized a much more pressing concern:

If, as it appears, about 80% of communication uses body-language and other culture-specific methods, that means that I am completely oblivious to 80% of what is expected of me, and thus cannot appreciate, acknowledge, or (most importantly) apply and benefit from the vast majority of what is expected of me. Considering that, prior to adult-hood, our thinking is more simplistic and we are more easily influenced, such a deficiency would have a drastic impact of the development of individual expectations.

In fact, in my entire life, the expectations that this wise man had of me, and communicated directly so that I would know in its entirety– It seems to be the first time I felt that anyone expected anything of me. That is, prior to that, I was aware of many expectations that people (in particular institutions, like school and work), but expectations cannot be appreciated logically or even empirically, but must be known, (quoting The Matrix), “you just know it, through and through”.

This is very unfortunate, because expectations are a crucial aspect of not only culture, but essentially every aspect of interpersonal relationships. A person without expectations cannot develop [reciprocal] friendships, and their ability to love is limited and imbalanced.

Expectations are also a necessity in mustering motivation for any task that does not immediately accomplish the goal(s) one might work toward. This can be understood by applying the Triangular Theory of Love, developed by Robert Sternberg:

Love can be split into three primary aspects: Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment. as I will explain in future posts, these correspond directly the Sigmund Freud’s Id, Ego, and SuperEgo (in that order- the Id being our source of passion, Ego of intimacy, and SuperEgo of commitment.

The SuperEgo seeks to improve upon itself or others, which in turn requires change.

*note: as I will also explain in future posts, the SuperEgo may conversely seek to destroy itself or others– this is because, just as “the means” (the shape and quality of what is accomplished) is determined by the Id (level of passion/ desire), Ego (level of security/control) and SuperEgo (level of expectations), “the ends” (the ultimate result) can either be creative or destructive. Although religions tend to assert that good and evil are objective, I think subjective would be more accurate- but regardless of whether of the nature of their existence, it would be more accurate to think of good and evil as “creative and destructive”, because not only are there things that appear creative to some and destructive to others, but to some extent, creating anything requires destroying other things, and destroying anything requires creating something else- this is a natural consequence of change, which is why all change has risks.

In other words (The following describes the consequences first of the creative SuperEgo, then of the destructive SuperEgo BTW.):  To progress in the future requires digressing from the past, and to digress in the future requires progressing (emphasizing) the past (FTR progressing the past sounds a bit confusing, which is why we use “regress” to describe that).

If commitment is achieved through expectations, any long-term goals are impossible without oneself and/or others having the expectation that the goal will be accomplished, and of course the individual(s) the goal concerns must be aware of those expectations. I find it interesting (and very surprising) to realize that friendship does not require expectations- that is, a person doesn’t need to be important to be a friend. In and of itself, the level of friendship is dependent on the level of intimacy (since friendship is the product of intimacy), and intimacy, in and of itself, is motivated by the Ego- that is, the need for security and control. When I previously defined friendship, I was too idealistic about it- “true friendship” as we know it is produced from reciprocal fulfillment of the need for security and control (intimacy), that is complimented by reciprocal fulfillment of the need for expectations. So interestingly enough, my previous thoughts regarding friendship (see my Love post) although harsh and oversimplified, were more accurate than I had thought. “True friendship”, according to the Triangular Theory of Love, is the product of “Companionate Love”.

But here’s the crucial dilemma (and the original intended focus of this post): How should one (i.e. myself) go about living life if they expect very little of themself, and do not know (and thus cannot appreciate or benefit from) what others expect from them?

Well– actually, come to think of it, there is a dilemma that is far more severe, and the worst part about it is that I know just how hopeless it is:

I believe that, in accordance with balance, to change any characteristic of oneself, it requires the same amount of effort (be it conscious or subconscious) that was put into developing those qualities to neutralize them, and twice the effort to develop qualities of the opposite nature. To put into context– History demonstrates how, in spite of centuries of research and experimentation with various treatments, in most cases the success rate for correcting homosexual attraction is either 0%, or close to it. Since homosexuality is not genetic (if it was it would have died out over 4 millennia ago), it must be behavior. My explanation for why sexual behaviors are so (impossibly?) difficult to treat is because sexual desire is the first type of behavior to develop in life, beginning with the first love (normally the mother) *note when I say “sexual”, I’m referring to libido. To clarify- Those who conform of Freud psychology believe babies are pure Id- they know they want, but know not what they want (Ego) or how to get it (SuperEgo).

Freud introduced the controversial notion that human development is ultimately motivated by sexual desire (and due to complications in justifying the theory, became a major enemy of feminists (see Penis Envy), so that leads me to believe that “libido” could also mean simply “desire”- but it makes more sense to me by putting it like this: Id is the part of our consciousness motivated to gain back what we lost. Thus, from a broader perspective, desire is born out of a need to regain something which, even if only in our own mind, we once had in some form. Considering the simplicity of a baby’s mind (and their life in general), after weaning is completed, the primary thing to get back is obvious.

With gays this would not (normally) apply- so, from what I can tell, the desire (and thus the gay attraction) normally originates in an early childhood memory. That is because the earlier the attraction originates (memories), the more years of effort (in the form of desire) have accumulated in that direction, making change virtually impossible (not only would you have to have to desire to change, but the change cannot occur until present desire accumulates to match and exceed the total amount put in the past.

The dilemma I have now, is that in my entire life up till now, I was not aware other the vast majority of others expectations, and so I was not able to appreciate or benefit from them, and behaved as if very little was expected of me. It’s very likely that I gave a bad impression of myself as a result, and my natural talents and love of acquiring and sharing knowledge did not impress people around me as it would have if I had met, or at the very least acknowledged all their other expectations. I did not realize this until relatively recently, and did not understand it until now– but now that I know this of what good is it to me? It’s not a simple feat, after all, to undo and redo 20 years worth of living, and even if I could accomplish it, would it really be worth it? Even if I am a misfit, I’m satisfied with myself, which really doesn’t give me any motivation for such an aspiration the first place. Before I could begin such an endeavour, I would first have to know what is expected of me in the first place, and I wouldn’t even know where to begin with that!





Depression Treatment

5 09 2008

*note this is one of the old posts I actually wrote a long time ago– just FTR*

*…But as I am writing it now, I’ve modified it significantly so as to blend better with current thought, and also to incorporate recent concepts when relevant…*

As I explained in Playing the Victim, one of my co-workers was suffering from acute depression, and asked for advice. The solution I gave her was *obviously* to stop “playing the victim”, and accept responsibility for her life - thus empowering herself and providing the psychological leverage needed to deal with the other issues, and begin progressing with life again. Although this solution is logically valid, I’ve become to realize more and more how much truth cannot be logically justified -so, for lack of better feelings, I should  “be more considerate of her feelings”- for lack of better phrasing - So this depression needs to be handled more gradually, using “gentler” methods :P

Due to the ever-constant chaos already eminent in her life, dealing with it logically would be impossible, because logic has already become irrelevant. I assured her that I would see what I could do in finding a [irony alert!] more *reasonable* solution, and fortunately, I think I’ve found one. Well, from the looks of things the *best* solution is a work-in-progress, but at the very least it’s something to work off of. Of course the solution has nothing to do with drugs. I was medicated for several years in the past, and although I definitely had, and *have* the illnesses I was diagnosed with, I found I did far better without them. Come to think of it, the several different medications I was given did little more than sedate me. As far as I can tell, that was about it. Don’t ask why, I have know clue :P

As I mentioned in that same post (”Playing the Victim”) I was able to deal with my psychological issues best (by an overwhelming margin) without medication; if anything the medication just made things worse. So although I cannot speak for anyone else, From my person experiences I would definitely recommend against the ingestion of psychological drugs of any kind. Treatment is frequently contrasted with “Cure”, being only a temporary/partial solution (i.e. to minimize symptoms)- Cures are permanent.

I think the fact that medication only minimizes symptoms is particularly interesting- after all, “Symptoms” are the proof that the body/mind/etc. is fighting against the disease/etc. If the symptoms disappear, that doesn’t mean the person is better. In fact, if the disease/etc. still exist despite symptoms, that should be considered a bad thing, since the immune system is essentially being suppressed, allowing the disease freely roam, resulting in far worse [in this case] mental health. Well, that’s just speculation on my part, but such an opinion is also implied in “I Never Promised you Roses”. In the cases of depression, the “cure” might well be to deal with the problem as described in “Playing the Victim”- however, for now, a temporary solution [*treatment*] should suffice.

Among many– more minor illnesses, I have Bipolar- previously known as “manic-depressive” disorder. The previous name is much more descriptive, but I guess they’re trying to be more politically correct :P I regularly go through cycles- between depressive and more manic states; I maintain a more “normal” demeanor in-between. The upside and downside of Bipolar is the same: the cycles are predictable. That is- I only get depressed or manic “when I’m supposed to”- this makes cycles very predictable, and I can schedule accordingly, since it works like clockwork. But of course, no one likes getting depressed– well, I’m sure plenty of people like getting manic though :P Then again, I don’t ever get anxious (for certain reasons that I’ll cover in later posts) so I don’t have to deal with that part of the manic cycle…but for whatever its worth, that’s the downside.

A while ago I realized that I could completely thwart the depression cycles (although the manic isn’t so bad) by making a habit of automatically rejecting the logical validity of all negative thoughts. Although I did not realize it then, I had already been doing such a thing for a few years now. But I have also realized that, in accordance with balance, to disregard any emotion logically, I had to lose my emotions; this is because to logically get rid of emotions, one must believe any previous emotions to never have existed- this is necessary because emotions are the backbone of passion and desire- no decision can follow through without one’s emotions backing it.

Getting back to habits though, as I detailed in [insert post], it’s possible to force oneself to change the perception of anything you want, even if it is the exact opposite of the original and natural perception. In that experiment, as I was walking in the freezing cold (of last winter, to be exact) I decided to imagine the pain as being pleasure, and concentrated on the cold being a good thing, setting aside all “common sense” in favor of this perception. The result was a bit surprising- by concentrating the pain completely went away- it was very exciting seeing how perceptions can be manipulated this way.

The only thing lacking with this is that one must concentrate to experience the conversion. That’s where habits come in. The purpose of habits is to keep of memory of thing that are done often, and usually require a degree of concentration. It is an adaptation that allows us to perform tasks better the more that we do it, because those things we’ve already concentrated on a lot are stored in our “cache“, which frees up our “memory” to focus on the finer details, or other tasks. Although perhaps I’m a bit partial due to my hobbies, I think that the human brain is strikingly similar to the computer- or, even more likely, the other way around.

As a result of these habits, I have not felt depressed for a few years now.

*Note “felt”- “depression can mean more than one thing; “felt” meaning that I have not had any sad or depressing thoughts for a while. In retrospect BTW this is not a good thing- to accomplish this required “unbreacheable” psychological walls to be put up, resulting in an almost completely nonchalant perspective towards everything; the root meaning of depression (”to slow down”/ “fall” / “be undone” /etc) is still true even now- the depression just does not include the emotional components (i.e. sadness/melancholy/etc.)*

There was one brief period a while back (see